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Saturday, 17 September 2011

Anshan- 2015- Don't bother fasting... We have a bigger weapon!!

We are in 2015... 

A quick rewind..Right before 2012 elections, fasting was the most efficient mode of Campaigning. 150 of 500+ MPs and MLAs had fasted. If you were a politician and had not fasted, it was as if you dint bother wearing Khadi Clothes and were not serious about running the country. 

Back to 2015... 
There is a massive agitation against corruption. 4G Scam, Fodder Scam, Housing Scam and Defense Scam have all happened again. Massive Outrage. It is proven no Govt can do anything. But elections are due in 2016 and being a democracy, someone has to stand up! Lokpal 1 has failed and Lokpal 2 is being thought on. The man is Narendra Modi... who missed becoming a PM in 2012, by a whisker. What you will just read for next few minutes will blow your mind away...


Day 1- 
Narendra Modi has reached Ramleela Ground and announced a new "Peaceful" agitation. "NO SEX" till Lokpal 2 is passed. Brilliant Idea, mind you- Till how many days can a person fast? 20 days.. 25 days? But it is humanly possible to abstain for sex for much longer. Meaning longer hype, more madness and more media!!
He sits on the stage and hundreds of thousands of people, very much useless since Lokpal 1 fast, happily go and sit in the grounds. 

That evening- Laalu points out on a News channel "Nan Sense!! He is not even married... How can he even have sex in the 1st place?"
Modi replies, "How can a man enjoying Rabri for last 50 years think of running a country? Look at me, since last 60 years I have left everything for Gujarat.. err.. India. Lalu will die of diabetes, rather than serve the country. If he has any seriousness of serving the country, he will match up to me"

Day 2-
All Media Channels are excited and reporters get a semi-orgasm with the developments yesterday, ironical cos the story is more about, not getting them, than getting them. Finally, they have a Story. They make a dash to Lalu's Residence. Lalu leaves out of house and gets into his car. Media Cars follow Lalu in his car. He reaches Pragati Maidan. All arrangements are made. Lalu gets on the stage and says "After lots of Consultation with my wife Rabri I have decided I will go on the "NO SEX" activation. I shall not have sex till Modi does not end his. I am better, whatever Modi can do, Lalu can do better!!"

Now, we are talking. World's first "No Sex" protest happening in Delhi. Let us see who blinks first. 

Kapil Sibal visits both camps and carries pictures of Poonam Pandey to try and make the 2 men realize what they are missing. They are promised she will do, what she was supposed to do after World Cup 2011 win, in the privacy of respective rooms. But no, he fails. 

Day 3-
It was observed in the comfort of his sleep last night, Modi's hands were constantly rubbing against the upper part of his Pyjama (read lower abdomen). India TV keeps playing this footage, circling the activity and Hot Spot on Modi's pyjama. Has Modi violated the spirit of this activation?

Meanwhile Lalu gets fired up. He says "I told you. This Gujarati is useless. Satisfying oneself with hand is not allowed. I can stay away from Rabri forever to serve my country. But for Modi, it is always 'Apna Haath Jagannath' although Jagannath Puri is itself closer to Bihar than Gujarat." By now India TV, Aaj Tak and NDTV India have collectively shown the footage of Modi's hands touching his pyjama 1 lac times.  Modi fires back "Pervert Lalu!! He has a one-track mind.. Can this guy think of anything else but sex? Cant it be a case of itching? What do I do?"

Unsurprisingly, Modi does to Itch Guard, what Munni did to Zandu Balm. Itch Guard sponsors the footage and sales increase by 300% in next month. And India turns into a place, where Sex would never be the same thing again. 

Day 4-
In last 3 days, there has not been a single incident of Rape in the Capital. Sex is tabooed, forget Rape. Women start venturing out at nights and are secretly thankful to Modi and Lalu. Now they can wander wherever they want- From Dhaula Kuan to Noida to Ghaziabad...

Damp Spots are today seen on Lalu's dhoti.. TV editors magnify and circle the damp spot on dhoti and keep on flashing it on TV, this is huge. Lalu vehemently denies any such activity and attributes it on water leaking from roof. However, claims are found untrue. Modi slams Lalu as a man of fake words. Was it a nightfall? Where did the water come from?

High Level Inquiry is ordered and there is chaos everywhere. Toilets are fitted with CCTV, direct access of which lies to TV channels. MPs cry foul but eventually agree serving country is a big responsibility and this scrutiny would surely help. News channels promise to not share any Toilet footage, unless they find a strong evidence of any wrongdoing in the loo. India TV says- "Sirf paani ya vinaashkaari doodh?"

India debates, if Lalu has indeed broken the fast or not... 

NEWS HOUR- Arnab in Top Form

On the panel are Dr. Sharma, Sr. Sexologist, AIIMS, Mr. Ram Jeth Malani, Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad, BJP Spokesperson and Mr. Abhishek Singhvi, Spokesperson, Congress. "How can they do this?" he demands. "How can 2 leaders battling on a National Issue find time for pleasure?" Turns to Dr. Sharma and asks "Is it natural for Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav to get a nightfall with no intention of doing so? Is it medically possible that this is an accident? India needs an Answer!!!"

Dr. Sharma replies "Arnab, this is a natural phenomenon and happens unknowingly in a state of excitement. Imagine you being in a News Room with Baba Ramdev, Anna Hazare and Kapil Sibal. Won't you feel something when you wake up the next morning?"  

Arnab realizes what this means and a thousand nightfalls he has had after heated exciting debates, that he used to discover the following morning. He understands everything and shuts up forever. 

Day 5-
Meira Kumar says "Baith Jaaiye!! Baith Jaaiye" In an instant all MPs realize it is a different type of Baith Jaiye this time around, throw a quick glance at their Pyjamas and keep standing, silently. 

By now, whole of India is in a frenzy. Spare a thought for the men- Modi and Lalu. They are like prisoners in their own body. Not allowed to spare a humble moment with their own body. No women are allowed to enter Ramleela or Pragati. Experts have said that the very sight of women can ease some of the sexual desires in one's body. 

Vajpayee, Karunanidhi, Bal Thackeray and others approve of the agitation. They recall and can relate this to their own lives, where more than half their lives were spent without having Sex. 

Day 6
Parliament has said that they will consider the demands and will in fact, pass Lokpal 2
Celebration- Now comes the all important day of breaking the fast. 
Big Day for Condom companies, Viagra Medicines, Deodorant companies and many more. 

Lalu announces he will re-marry Rabri in a public ceremony, right there at the Pragati. A room has been allocated where the fast will be broken after the auspicious ceremony. There are back ups in place in case Rabri is found to be unfit. Breaking this auspicious fast with one's hands is not acceptable. 

It is the moment of reckining for Poonam Pandey, Rakhi Sawant, Payal Rohatgi among others. BJP President has announced the one helping Modi break the fast as the First Lady of India. 

What happens is left to your imagination... India lives to see yet another election.. 

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